Our Stories

By Emily Koeppel, B.A. and Lindsay Hornell, BSW, B.A.,
Graduate Research Assistants in Human Development and Family Studies,
Colorado State University

Gail and her husband, Joe, first noticed their daughter, Casey, struggling with mental health issues when she was in her 20’s. A few years after her diagnosis of bipolar disorder, Casey became pregnant. She found herself needing extra support from her parents because she would soon be a single mother of a little boy named Bryson. For the first three years, Casey and Bryson lived with Gail and Joe. During that time, Casey became pregnant and had her daughter, Rylee. Casey decided to move out of her parent’s house and try to raise the two children on her own. With the stress of dealing with bipolar disorder and raising two children, Casey quickly found herself in a very overwhelming situation. Gail and Joe offered to take the children for one day a week. Within two months of moving out, Gail and Joe were watching Bryson and Rylee almost every day. It became apparent to Gail that Bryson was more comfortable at her house rather than at home with his mother. It was at this point that Gail did what was best for Bryson, and suggested to Casey that Bryson move in with her and her husband.

For Gail and Joe, the transition from grandparenting to parenting the second time around came with challenges. Physically, it is difficult for Gail and Joe to keep up with an active, now 5-year-old boy. “We had to ask a neighbor to teach Bryson how to ride a bike, because we aren’t physically able to do that kind of stuff anymore.” Financially, Gail and Joe constantly struggle with the financial responsibilities that come with raising a grandchild. Aside from basic care costs and schools fees, holidays, and special activities became a daily burden. Gail also discussed how raising Bryson has taken a toll on her social life. Gail explained, “None of our friends want to hang out with us anymore because we have a 5 year old boy to bring along wherever we go.” Gail and her husband’s relationship also took a toll. With so much focus on raising Bryson, it is difficult for Gail and Joe to find time to spend together.

Although the transition came with challenges, raising Bryson has a lot of benefits for everyone. When Bryson first came to live with his grandparents, he struggled with anxiety, anger, and control issues. “He refused to wear buttons or snaps on his pants and shirts,” Gail described. Within eight months of living with them, he started laughing, something he rarely did while he lived with his mom. Although still struggling with separation anxiety, Bryson has become a much happier, social, and energetic child. The positive changes in Bryson have been enough to reassure Gail and Joe that their choice to raise Bryson is worth the challenges.

When Gail first started caring for Bryson, she thought she was alone and had no idea where to get help. After finding about local support groups, Gail and Joe started attending groups in both Fort Collins and Loveland. “I don’t know where we would be without those support groups.” At these support groups, Gail’s able to share her story, finds comfort from others who are going through similar situations, and learn about legal issues that come with raising grandchildren. Gail admits because they talk about things other than their problems, “the best thing of all that we get from the support groups is laughter.” Although Gail has found support in the community and Bryson is doing very well, Gail still believes more resources would be helpful. Things like respite care, mentoring programs for grandchildren, and updated program curriculums are resources that Gail believes would improve her situation even more.

By: Jacque Miller, CSU Larimer County Extension Agent, Family and Consumer Sciences

Roger was born in the Philippines in 1975. Before he was even born his parents didn’t want him. His only memory of his father was when he was leaving. “While I cried at the door, my memory of my mother was her shrugging her shoulders and, without words, saying there was nothing she could do to stop him.” Roger struggles with his feelings of confusion and abandonment.

Roger lived with his grandma in shacks in the middle of Manila. Under her care he had happy memories. At this time he could just be a kid. Simple things made life seem good. “I remember being happy . . . things we did . . . like putting dry ice in paint cans with water, and Boom! Fireworks!” He often went to the market with his grandma and looked for coins. “I remember her telling me to keep my head down just in case there were coins on the ground. When we got back from the market, she would tell me to play, but stay close so I could hear her call for me to thread her needle. Grandma sewed all day while I played.”

When Roger was 8 years old his grandma took a different way to the market. He didn’t realize she was taking him to an orphanage. He spent two years there before he was adopted in November 1985. “My adopted parents had their hands full in my teenage years, but they treated me like their own. They loved and provided for me where my real parents didn’t.” Today Roger recognizes that her decision to take him to the orphanage was to give him an opportunity for a second chance. “I realize now that I wouldn’t be here without God’s hands and my grandma’s heart. Though we didn’t have much, she gave me everything she could.”

Roger’s message to grandparents is thank you for your unselfish hearts. “You are strong oak trees that your grandchildren hug when they feel lost and beat up by this world.” To the grandchildren in their care his message is remember to thank them. “Do little things for them; it’ll put a smile on their faces.”

By Jacque Miller, CSU Larimer County Extension Agent, Family and Consumer Sciences

Out of the country teaching orphans how to watercolor, Sally received an email that her grandson in Colorado needed her. She packed her bags and flew home, not knowing what to bring or how long she would be in Colorado. In the past, she came to Colorado every three months to see her grandson. She soon made a decision to rent an apartment here in order to provide kinship care for her grandson.

At first, “It was like a visit, but I soon realized that I had to be the parent.” There were the daily challenges of trying to get her grandson in bed at night and up in the morning, running errands, keeping appointments, and home visits. An arrangement was made for his mother to visit four times a week. Sally feels very lucky because her daughter wants to help and eventually regain custody of her son. Their mother-daughter relationship has grown closer; however, her relationship with the rest of the family members has grown apart. This has become one of her greatest challenges.

Social Services classes required Sally to be a ‘Kinship Provider’ for her grandson. There were also interviews, home visits, and meetings arranged. “That entire process was scary, I had no clue what I was getting myself into and I was not getting any answers.” Social Services provided discounts to recreational activities which were very helpful and useful. However, she is frustrated by the limited amount of resources for her grandson basic needs, such as food and clothing. Keeping a journal and reporting to Social Services has been a huge burden for her. “Being a Kinship Provider is more like being a ‘glorified babysitter’; I do not have rights, but have many obligations and the stipends at times are not even enough.”

On her journey through this complicated system it was difficult for Sally to find answers or even understand the process. At the beginning of this process she was afraid to ask for help because she thought her grandson would be taken away from her. Eventually she learned it is okay to ask for help and advice, because there could be more grandparents out there with the similar questions or going through the same situations. Through it all, she learned a great deal and now wants to help other grandparents. She recommends to “keep trying to get information; do not be silent about problems that you maybe having.” One of the best things she did was talking to other grandparents and getting involved in support groups. “These grandparents are the quiet heroes of the world.” Getting involved and talking to other grandparents helped her feel less isolated from the outside world.

Sally does not have much time for her love of art any more, yet through all the ups and downs, she would not go back nor change a thing. She learned a great deal and her relationship with her daughter and grandson is closer.

By Taylor Stonehouse, CSU Extension Intern

Linda Tanner was getting ready to retire and travel the countryside when life drew a new hand for her to play. And even though this hand came with limited resources and countless struggles, she’s played a pretty good game.

Linda always played a big role in her two grandchildren’s lives. She was there when Gage and Taylor were born, and they all lived in Kansas. In 1998, Gage and Taylor’s family moved to California, and Linda went to visit them that Christmas. That’s when she knew the children were in danger.

“Their parents where active in their drug and alcohol addictions and were choosing to continue on that path,” Linda said. “The kids had pretty tough times from birth on dealing with their parents’ issues.”

In the year following, Linda filed for emergency temporary custody for the two children. After four months of court hearings and an endless trail of paperwork, she earned full custody in May of 2000. But even though Linda made it over that road bump, she soon found plenty more.

While raising Gage and Taylor, she was looking for jobs, recovering from an injury, and taking college courses. Facing these challenges and others, such as loss of friends and time constraints, Linda said she often felt all alone.

“I felt like I was way out there on a limb and I thought I was the only one ever dealing with this kind of stuff,” she notes. Once she attended a local educational series, “Parenting a Second Time Around” she quickly became friends with other grandparents going through similar situations.

Linda and the others started the Larimer County Grandparent’s Raising Grandchildren Support Group in 2005. The program has since grown and reached many families in need of support. With the additional support and fund raising of the Larimer County Alliance for Grandfamilies, coordinated through CSU Extension, the team was able to hire a Kinship Care Systems Navigator, Josh Rabe, to help them through the frustrating road bumps and dead ends that they were all facing.

Recently, Linda was looking at a sign-up sheet from a support group in the fall of 2006, with between ten and 15 families looking for support services. “By the end of May 2008 with everyone’s effort, we were at 101 families,” Tanner says. That really helped her get a perspective on their progress. “It’s huge,” she says.

Now her grandson, Gage, has started high school. His sister, Taylor, is a spunky sixth grader, and Linda plans on graduating from CSU with a degree in social work by Spring of 2010. She said she has the support of numerous community programs to thank for helping get their family back on their feet.

“It’s so nice to know we’re not alone,” she said. “But we still have needs, and we still have new kin providers who are just starting to experience those struggling stages. Hopefully, we can help them transition through some of it and not go through the pain and the agony of the closed doors and the dead end streets. Maybe we can save them from some of the frustrations and turmoil that we had to go through.”